Zoe.

2013, I looked forward to you in 2012 hopeful for a big better change. 

I feel to be walking over shards without shoes in all aspects of my life and undermining the wants and needs fighting in my head.

I want a better job, a real job where I feel it’s worth being there, a place that has a proper figure, at least enough to bump me to a better situation in terms of a home, or savings even, now that I’m getting even less financial support. 

I understand it will take me at least 2 or 3 years to be at an average state of financial stability and I guess I am doing all I can in me and Bean’s best interest right now in the present moment to get us where we need to be. 

I worry about being 25 and seemingly not having much to show, although I know I do more than enough. I don’t have a fancy car, a fancy job, or a fancy home. I create a tight schedule around myself to make sure it all works, aiming to get to this better, higher place- and feel like shit when something is askew and takes me from the path I want to be on.

I get depressed about not being able to afford a real home for me and Bean. I don’t even care if I work in a shit job for a longer while, as long as I had that stability ticked off in my head I would be much happier. But of course that requires a monkey job to lead to a better one.

I get scared about job hunting, it’s been a few years since I have sat at a desk. It’s been a few years since I worked full time- everywhere we each go there will be assholes, I guess it’s just an interview to a new bubble of assholes to deal with. 

For those who have kids- the ones who will get this next part- What am I supposed to do with an emotionally unstable child? I don’t have the heart to ship him off for 5 days and work my ass off for a penny, though I will admit a huge part of me is waiting for the opportunity to. If he’s not ready, then I am unable. Duty of a mother is to raise a child, I’m not letting that be one of my stuff ups, I brought him here, I’m responsible.

There is no “Harden up” theory. You can judge me if you like, but there will be plenty for me to pick at your life too if you’d like to swap.

I don’t even have a desk in my home and I somehow call myself a designer/ illustrator. My website has been down for a long, long time, and I don’t feel adequate to the praise my past peers and colleagues comment of me and my work. I have IOUs, collaborations and projects lined up in my head, but no resources to do them, nor the time, considering all the above. 

In other words, all this shit in my head is blocking the spark I used to have when it was all a little bit easier, but even getting to step 2 is going to take a few months. 

I feel like I’ve been waiting so fucking long for something to give.